You Can't Find What Isn't Lost
by ktravierso
Summary: AU Destiel. Dean, an ex-marine with PTSD, becomes a high school biology teacher after life in the service. The new librarian, Castiel, has a personality disorder... Maybe two damaged halves can make a whole? Rated M for abuse, rape, and trauma. This could be a very triggering story, so please use discretion.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1:

_Fire, fire everywhere. He was in a clearing in the woods. The flames were closing in. The orange and red fingers licked at the vegetation. It transformed what once was green life into thick black smoke and smoldering ash. From somewhere in the flames came a scream._

_ "Dean! Please Dean, help us!" _

_He was just barely able to make out a blonde haired woman clutching a crying child to her breast. Her eyes full of fear and pain. Dean wanted to run to her, to comfort her, but he was frozen in place. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't make his body listen to the commands he was so desperately crying out. _

_ Then the wall of flame overtook the woman and child. Now they were one with the blaze. Dean was now able to run to the edge of the flames. He screamed out to her, waiting for an answer he knows he wouldn't get. He sunk to his knees and slowly let the flames consume him._

When the alarm sounded, Dean found himself tangled in sheets half on the floor half on the bed. The violence of this recurring nightmare was easily noticed; an overturned night stand, rugs scrunched up and tucked partially under the bed, and then blood that was caked under Dean's fingernails. The blood was a new addition to his nightly hell.

After he got over his initial confusion, Dean realized it was his blood. During his torturous dream he had started to claw at himself, leaving gashes across his chest and abdomen. Filled with a mixture of worry, exhaustion, and ambivalence; he picked himself up off the floor and then he began his morning routine of picking up the mess his nightmare caused him to make.

Swearing and muttering his annoyance, he made his bed and straightened the furniture. Once the room was back in order, and once the room was sans blood, he made his way to the bathroom where he observed his handy work in the mirror that hung over the sink. It would appear that he had caused more damage than he originally thought. The gashes were few in number, but the depth was enough to make a squeamish person faint.

With a sigh Dean turned on the shower and started to prepare for the day. Once showered, Dean dressed his wounds and was barely effected by the sting from the lacerations. He quickly finished getting dressed (his typical dress pants and a button down with a tie) and rushed out the door with a banana (rabbit food as he considered it). Why did high school have to be so damned early?

It wasn't that he minded teaching high school Biology to a bunch of teens that couldn't care less about the citric acid cycle or ecology, he just though his life would be different from what it was. Had you asked as an eighteen year old young man what he thought his life was going to be, he would have answered that he was going to serve his country until his dying breath. He planned on that meaning fighting next to fellow marines for the safety of those he loved. In the end, serving his country meant educating the minds of the next generation.

He guessed that being an ex-marine and a recently divorcee with PTSD and recurrent nightmares kind of messed that up for him. He still remembers the day his commanding officer pulled him aside and told him that he had to go get a psych evaluation. That was the moment he knew that his time as a marine was over. No doctor in his right mind would clear him fit for duty, especially after his episode a few nights ago that ended with his bunk mate pinned to the ground, blood dripping from his nose. The poor guy, all he had done was reaching out and grabbed Dean's shoulder to get his attention.

Having been caught in his own mind, Dean hadn't realized he had gotten in his car and driven to the school and taken up his spot in the staff parking lot. Noticing the time, and realizing he had to be in the class room in three minutes, Dean slung his messenger bag over his shoulder and ran into the main building.

He couldn't help but feel like today was going to be a long day. He especially dreaded today because of the research paper. If it were up to him, he wouldn't assign a paper at all. It was biology for Christ's sake! They were supposed to slice open animals and learn about life, not waste precious teenage moments with research papers. It was a school requirement. Rather than take tests at midterm, students were required to turn in an essay for each class. He guessed it was better than forcing kids to hunch over a desk making sure they completely filled in the bubble with a number two pencil.

"Alright kids," Dean's voice boomed as he walked into the lab where his class was held. "Don't even bother taking your things out today. We are heading straight for the library for research paper time." His announcement was met with groans from the students. "Hell! You think I want to waste my weekend grading those bastards?", Dean said with exasperation. The reason why he was such a well-respected teacher Is that he was strict, but fair. And the swearing showed he didn't have a stick up his ass like almost every other teacher at that school. Swearing was a habit he picked up in the service and it just stuck with him. Administration didn't really care, considering that his classes had the highest success rates in the entire school.

"Here we go, move out", Dean said with a bowed head pointing at the door. The shuffle of reluctant teenagers' footsteps filled the room and poured out into the hallway. Dean's shuffling feet joined the chorus of angst in the hall. He hated the library more than his students would ever know. The librarian, Meg, was constantly hitting on him. It was highly unprofessional, and it made him feel really uncomfortable.

Entering in the library, Dean heard a student say, "Mr. Winchester's Biology one class". That is when he heard Meg say, "Oh Clarence, see? Easy as pie. Think you can manage?" Dean guessed that she had been given an affirmative and continued, "Well, I can't say I'm sorry to leave this little rat hole. Good luck."

Meg walked out the door passing Dean on her way out the door, "But you sugar, you I am really going to miss." Dean's response was an eye roll followed by, "Sorry that the feelings won't be mutual" Meg just smiled and said, "Aw, that would hurt my feelings… if I had any" And with a flick of her hair, she was gone.

"Good riddance" he muttered as he closed the door behind him. Dean abruptly stopped. He found himself staring into sapphire eyes that shone brighter than he had ever seen. He can only assume that he looked like a fool with his mouth hanging open staring intensely into those deep pools that swallowed him whole.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks to those who read the first chapter. I hope that I am not as boring as I think. Just as a side note, I do not own the characters (though why anyone would think I did is far beyond me. I'm pretty good, but not that good). I am just responsible for throwing these beloved characters into a different situation. I will try and be nice.**

Chapter 2

Luckily Dean managed to catch himself before he ended up staring at the man. Thankful for the quick recovery, Dean let out a sigh and addressed the man in front of him, "Dean Winchester, Biology teacher. I take it you are the new librarian." He reached out his hand to the man, who took it and reciprocated a firm handshake. "Yes," the dark haired man answered, "Castiel Novak, nice to make your acquaintance." Dean regarded Mr. Novak with slight confusion. "Didn't Meg just call you Clarence?"

Castiel let out an exasperated sigh, "I am assuming it was meant to be funny or get a reaction out of me." Dean could tell this man must have been dealing with Meg for some time in order to sound so put out. Dean laughed at this. "Did I say something funny," the librarian asked with a frown on his face. Realizing the man had taken offence to his response, Dean scrambled to clarify, "Oh, no. I just know how you feel. This has been my second year dealing with Meg and I know it can be exhausting."

With that, Castiel let out a smile. Dean noticed the relief that flooded his eyes. "Well I plan on being here most of the day", Dean stated. "I hope I don't bore you. It's research paper time and I like to give the students a chance to use the library. I just know I hate grading the damn things, and I know they must hate writing them." Castiel nodded in response and turned to face the book return cart.

Unsure of what to say or do next, Dean walked over to the unoccupied teachers' desk in the corner and set up his computer. He looked up to find the librarians piercing blue eyes staring quizzically at him. Dean offered a half smile and then looked over his students. He did a head count, and upon realizing he was missing a few kids, he called over one of his students, "Cassandra, are Mason, Jessica, or Jenna here today?" The girl looked over her shoulder and then turned back, "Well, I thought I saw Jenna and Mason here earlier" She paused "But I don't see them now."

Just as Dean had thought, two of the little hooligans were off doing god knows what. "Thank you Cassandra" Dean responded with a slight smile and a long sigh. As Cassandra sat down and returned to her work, Dean stood up and started walking through the shelving in search of his missing students. Just as he was rounding the corner of an isle, he heard a gruff voice chastising, "You are young adults, not animals in heat."

It would appear that upon returning books to their appropriate areas, Castiel had stumbled upon Jenna and Mason. Dean walked up to the three and stood by Castiel looking sternly at the young people, "What in the hell were you two doing? Never mind, I don't want to know." He turned to the librarian who had managed to turn his skin the color of copy paper, and then he turned back to the kids, "I think on top of your research paper, you owe and apology letter to Mr. Novak here and a two page essay on the definition of respect." The boy and girl looked down at their feet in shame. The girl had a look of shear mortification on her face, and the boy was imitating the look of stone. "Go back to the front with the rest of the class," Dean commanded harshly.

Once the students had disappeared out of sight, Dean turned to face the librarian. In all honesty, he would say that the man made death look favorable. "I am very sorry. I should have been watching them more carefully. They started dating a week ago, I should have known something like this was bound to happen." Castiel just nodded at Dean's words, then turned to continue placing the books in their proper place.

"Are you alright?" Dean asked, not bothering to keep the confusion out of his voice. "I'm fine," Castiel managed to choke out, "You really should get back to your students, Mr. Winchester." Never once did Castiel look over at Dean. He kept his back to him and continued his task without hesitation. Dean was somewhat thrown by the man's reaction, after all it was just teenagers being their hormonal selves. "Yeah, you're right." Dean quipped and turned on his heels, returning to his desk the way he came.

Dean spent the rest of the day grading papers at the teachers' desk and watching the new librarian with confusion and curiosity. He thought the exchange earlier was odd. The reaction to the problem was odd. Actually, everything about this new person in the school was odd.

From his mannerisms, the way he spoke, all the way down to the way he dressed (too formal for a librarian's job. Pressed black trousers, white long sleeve button down, a skinny tie, and Dean caught sight of a suit jacket and tan trench coat hanging up in the back). Sure Dean dressed nice, but in a more casual way. He would roll up the sleeves of his shirt or mismatch his socks, anything to make himself a little different from the other teachers and staff at the school.

He couldn't place it. He just knew that this new man was different. He couldn't tell if it was good or bad yet. It was a little bit of a challenge for Dean. He was generally good at "reading" people, as his brother liked to say. He felt nothing towards the man, a scary kind of disregarding ambivalence.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Okay, finally we can get some intensity into this. Exposition done, let the fun begin.**

**P.S. I plan on updating pretty frequently because I already have like six chapters written and I like sharing. Remember kids: Sharing is caring. Unless it's STDs, then you are just an asshole.**

Chapter 3

Damn it.

Dean had woken up as he always did. Tangled in his boa constrictor sheets, room in utter disarray, with a pounding headache and sore muscles. The headaches were new. They had just developed a few weeks ago, shortly after his first encounter with the new librarian. The man was still a mystery to Dean, and though he was ashamed to admit it, he had even taken part in the staff room gossip. He was just trying to find out more about the guy.

It didn't really matter anyways; none of his fellow staffers knew anything about him. They were all just as surprised as Dean was about Meg's sudden departure. The other teachers expected Dean to know more about Meg's vanishing act because, let's face it; everyone knew Meg had the hots for Dean. It wasn't like she was exactly reserved about the matter.

Dean waited for the day when the new librarian would join the staff in the lounge for lunch, but it was in vain. One day, a few weeks after their first encounter, Dean worked up the courage one lunch period and made his way over to the library. It wasn't that Dean was shy, he just was a little unsettled that he couldn't figure this Castiel figure out.

He entered the library and a little bell sounded (this was a new addition to the library since his last visit.) "The library is closed during lunch", he heard Castiel call from the back room. "Hey Mr. Novak, Dean Winchester. We met the other day when I brought my class in here for research." There was a long pause. Dean looked around the front desk, which was once littered with paper and various other odds and ends, and now it was immaculate.

Just as Dean was about to speak again, Castiel appeared from behind the door of the back office, "Yes Mr. Winchester, How can I help you?" Castiel's tone was short and clipped, showing signs of irritation. Dean looked into the man's eyes, searching for something. But what?

Castiel continued to hold Dean's gaze, waiting semi-patiently for an answer. "We haven't seen you in the staff room." Dean replied lamely. "Yes." Was the only response he managed to get from Castiel. Dean stood there a moment longer, "You know you can come eat lunch with the rest of the staff if you would like". Castiel looked at Dean with severe skepticism, "Mmm…" Castiel punctuated his reply with a sharp nod. "Would you like to come?" Dean's question was full of exasperated curiosity. "Thank you Mr. Winchester, but I would much rather stay here." Was Castiel's reply. With that he did an about face and started to move his lithe form towards his safe haven.

"What's your problem?" Dean spit out, anger coming out of nowhere. Castiel froze at the sharp tone. His body ridged, afraid to move. He held this pose for a long while. Dean realized his anger far too late. His outburst embarrassed him far more than anyone could ever imagine. His ears and neck burned red with shame. "I'm sorry", came a whisper from Dean's mouth. Castiel shook slightly, but remained stopped in place. They stood silent for another few minutes. Finally Dean broke the silence, "I will just go. I'm sorry Cas. I was way out of line." Dean hung his shoulder and retreated. With his back turned he didn't notice the small smile that was gracing the librarian's face.

**A/N: WHAT?! We are finally getting into the Destiel portion? Oh my, what on earth are we going to do? Mass panic seems like the best option here.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I swear to God, you guys better like this chapter. I spent hours on research for it. Get ready to see how deep the damage goes for Dean.**

Chapter 4

The next day, as lunch time drew near, Dean kept replaying the scene in the library over and over again. Not just the argument from yesterday, but Castiel's reaction to the students' behavior in the library. The actions of both scenes didn't add up. He was putting two and two together but getting five as the answer. Then on top of his confusion was the dread and shame from his actions yesterday.

Finally the bell rang, signaling the start of lunch. Dean trudged to the cafeteria to grab his lunch, the staff was lucky enough to get a different lunch than the students. After his pit stop in the cafeteria, he made his way down the corridor towards the library. He was five feet from the door when he heard a voice from behind him, "It's locked".

Dean sharply turned to face the voice, only to see that Castiel was a few steps behind him. The stood there looking at eachother for a moment. Then Dean remembered the lunch in his hands, "I brought you this, kind of as a peace offering." Castiel noticed the boxed subs that Dean carried in his hands. Castiel eyed Dean for a moment, "Thank you" he responded, trying to keep the suspicion out of his voice. But Dean noticed, it was his job to notice… or at least it was.

_ The rookie was assigned to Dean, mainly because he had the patience to deal with him. The other's weren't as forgiving. Dean was the more compassionate one in his company, and therefore he dealt with the things that needed to be handled gently. _

_ The boy was fresh out of basic training and greener than a sapling. He was a liability, but everyone had to start somewhere, so Dean gave him the benefit of the doubt. The boy was cute, for lack of a better word. Not that Dean found him attractive, but the private was innocent, and Dean found it refreshing. The bitter humor of marines that had seen battle got really old. _

_ It was not a week after the private (Ryan J. Darcy) had joined the company that they were given the orders to be deployed. They were providing security on a Navy cargo ship. It was a six month deployment. Dean wasn't sure why Marines were being assigned security detail, but it wasn't his place to question his direct orders._

_ Their squad consisted of eleven men. Dean and the private were part of the eleven that were assigned as the military personnel on the ship. They would be in charge of over 120 civilians. It was a "dry" cargo ship meaning it carried mostly petroleum product, ammunition, and other essentials to various ports for distribution. _

_ They were two months into their deployment. The private had proved he was more than competent and also was compassionate and helpful in any way he could be. Dean was letting loose the reins and giving the kid a chance to prove himself. He felt the newbie was doing pretty well, all things considered. _

_ He had started noticing that Private Darcy had appeared to be sea sick more than usual. He wrote it off, saying it was because he had been on the ship for such a time that it was finally getting to him. Then the headaches started, the private consumed aspirin like candy and was constantly squinting in the light. Dean commanded that at the next base they stopped at he was to go directly to the base hospital to get checked out. Well the private went, or so he said, and was cleared for duty. _

_ One day, out in the open ocean, Dean and the private were walking to their bunks. The private stopped suddenly, and then bent over and heaved. When he was finished, he stood upright and wiped his mouth. After pulling away his hand, he noticed the blood coming from his nose. "Damn nose bleeds", He cursed. Dean looked at him with concern. He never actually saw the paperwork from the doctor who cleared him for duty. _

_ They cleaned up the mess, and turned in for the night. Half way through the night, Dean awoke to a loud thump. He shot up and flipped on the lights. Darcy was on the floor shaking violently in what Dean could only assume was a seizure. He called down the hallway for help, and then rushed over and took his shirt off and pressed it into the huge gash running alongside the thrashing man's head. _

_ Dean didn't remember the next part. Somehow they got a helicopter to life Darcy to the nearest base. Dean was permitted to go with them, one because there was still a seat and the second reason being that he was a corporal and his sergeant stayed with the crew. _

_ Then he was standing in a waiting area. _

_ Then he was being informed that Darcy didn't make it._

_ Then that he was running. _

_He doesn't know where he ran to, or for how long, but when he finally came to he was on a cot wraped in a blanket. It took him a moment to remember everything. Once he did, he shot upright and rushed out the door looking for a military official that could tell him what happened and what was going on. _

_ It turns out that Darcy had a growing tumor. He didn't see the doctor when the stopped on base, and no one asked to see the paperwork. He continued on as if nothing was wrong, but the tumor finally took over causing him to seize and convulse. The doctor told Dean that he had probably had the tumor for a long time, but it was nearly undetectable. It was aggressive, and they said even if he did get help at the last base, he wouldn't have made it. _

**A/N: Yeah, I would apologize… but we all know I'm not even slightly sorry for this.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Maybe I can get my act together and write you all some fluffy stuff… but then again, I could continue and tell you Castiel's back story.**

**P.S. I'm using a lot of personal experience in these stories. I have PTSD and BPD (borderline personality disorder). I know how it affects those around you, and how it affects the individual. Just… be respectful. There are a ton of people that suffer with these issues. If you can't handle these issues maturely, I strongly advise you to read some different story. I will not tolerate rudeness or cruelty towards myself or others.**

**P.P.S. This may be triggering for some. There is abuse (rape is alluded to) and self-harm, so tread lightly.**

Chapter 5

"Dean?", Castiel whispered. He reached a hand out and lightly touched Dean's shoulder. Dean reacted. He grabbed Castiel's arm and had managed to flip and pin him to the ground in under three seconds. Dean stood up fast, backing away slowly. Castiel turned over to a sitting position rubbing his arm while staring at Dean, terrified.

This is why Dean was given an honorable discharge. The fissures in his soul ran deep. Dean just shook his head, backing away slowly with tears in his eyes, "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry". He kept repeating those words over and over again. Castiel stood. He started towards Dean slowly, "Dean" he started speaking softly, his voice raspy with emotion. "It's okay, I'm alright. I'm not mad. I'm fine see?" He continued his slow walk towards Dean.

Dean stopped. So did Castiel. They held these positions for a few moments. Dean looked into Castiel's eyes. He didn't find pity. He didn't find sadness. All he saw was understanding and acceptance. There was still fear, but it was slowly diminishing. Dean started to anchor himself to his surroundings. He remembered he was at the school where he taught biology, and that he was with the new school librarian who had replaced the insufferable Meg. Dean remembered throwing Cas to the ground. He looked around.

The sandwiches he brought for lunch and for a peace offering were now strewn across the hallway corridor. He then looked up to Cas who's eyes held no judgment. He had never seen someone handle one of his freak outs so well. "W-w-why aren't you scared?" Dean questioned. Cas just held his gaze, "We all have our demons Dean. Why do you think I avoid the rest of the staff? Why do you think I'm a librarian?" Dean searched Castiel's face for signs of sarcasm. He found none, and honestly, he didn't think the man would be capable of such a feat.

"So what does that mean? Why do you hide from people?" Dean asked, partially curious, partially suspicious. Castiel sighed, "It means that I know why you do what you just did. That I know what it's like to be afraid of yourself." The look on Castiel's face was tragic. He looked tired, the kind of tired when you wake up from fitful dreams or when you have been dealing with a problem for far too long. Dean knew that because he had to work all the time to hide that look from those around him. He hid it with sarcastic humor, wit, and charm.

Then the bell signaling the end of lunch sounded. They both jumped a bit, bringing them out of their own thoughts. "Here" Dean said passing his number to Castiel. "What is this for?" Castiel questioned. "In case you need a friend Cas." Then Castiel broke out in a smile at Dean's response. He stooped to pick up the mess their lunch had made. Dean joined Cas on the floor. They rushed to get everything clean because they both had places to be.

"Bye Cas," Dean called while jogging down the hall. "Good bye Dean," Cas whispered as he threw the remnants of their lunches in the trash. The introverted librarian walked into the library. He was still in awe of what happened. He opened up to someone for the first time in years, and the last time he opened up was because he had to.

_ He was done. He was tired. He just hated it all. Everything, mainly himself. So what do you do when you hate yourself? What do you do when your depression consumes you? What do you do when the light at the end of the tunnel disappears? Everyone has an addiction. Some are just considered "healthy", but Castiel's wasn't healthy. His was destructive and violent. His caused pain to himself and those around him. He pushed people away, not letting anyone in, not giving them the chance to break him further than he already was. _

_ He held everything in, and the only time he let it go was through the pain and punishment he put himself through. Everything that went wrong, he shouldered the blame for. But after 23 years of guilt and pain, he was done. He saw his way out. No one knew the pain he went through. He hid the marks on his body. Even with his lovers, he hid them with the lights out and staying under blankets. As soon as anyone got close to noticing his problems, he would stop talking to them. He would shut them out completely. He didn't need the prying of others into his daily life. _

_ That all came to an end though the night he decided to die. Taking the whole bottle of aspirin, which should have shut down his body, but for some reason it didn't work. His sister, Anna, stopped by to visit him and walked in to see Castiel propped up in the shower, water running cold, half conscious. It didn't take long for paramedics to arrive and save the life that he didn't want to live anymore._

_ There were months that followed that filled with therapy, pills, and hospitals. Now that his family knew, his life was hell. He was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. The most wonderful news what that personality disorders are reversible! But that isn't how it works. _

_ His family expected him to go to treatment for a few months, tops, and then come out fixed and healed to perfection. So imagine their disappointment when he didn't recover on the timeline they expected. They accused him of not trying. Accused him of not wanting to get better. But what they didn't understand is that there was over twenty years of damage, most of it caused by them, and it wouldn't just get better overnight. He had hit the one year mark. He had been in recovery for a year, but he didn't appear to be getting better. _

_ As their patience ran out, Castiel knew what he had to do. He picked up and left one night. He told Anna, the only one who remained supportive through everything, where he was going and what he was doing. That is how he became a librarian. Previously he was in school to become a laboratory technician, but he dropped out and gave up on that dream. _

_ He found that he liked working in a library. It was quiet and peaceful, but still required human interaction. The job allowed him to minimize the effect of his disorder. It made him hopeful. He started letting people in. Making new friends, and eventually he went on a few dates. This is the point where Castiel realized he liked men more than women. He was gay, and at first he fought against it. He imagined his father's reaction, and then he remembered he didn't have to worry about that anymore. _

_ Castiel was more outgoing. He flirted with guys and, if they flirted back, he was willing to give his number to them. He went on dates, he had fun, and at one point, things got more intimate. Castiel wasn't sure if he was ready for that step. It had been almost 8 months since he left his family. He was getting along just fine, and he was dating a charming young man named Timothy. He was quite taken with the man. He was kind and gentle, even though he looked like a linebacker, and Castiel trusted him. _

_ One night, as Tim walked Castiel to the door of his apartment, they had a hot and heavy make out session. When Castiel pulled away, signaling that he was done and unlocked the door, Tim shoved him in the door. Castiel told him to stop, that he wasn't ready to become intimate with him. To that Tim responded with a laugh and locked the door after slamming it shut. _

_ Castiel backed away slowly, and in a shaky voice told him to leave. Tim didn't move. He stood there leering a Castiel, letting his eyes rove over Castiel's body. Castiel felt sick. He knew what would happen if he didn't do something soon. He sprinted off to the bathroom, locking the door frantically behind him and pulled out his cell phone and pounded out 911 as fast as possible. He screamed his address to the operator, told her to have them hurry. That was when Tim kicked in the door. _

_ Tim threw the phone and tossed Castiel over his shoulder. He carried the body into the bedroom. "I will make you regret this." Were the last words that Castiel heard before the beating started. It was almost unbearable, but the most horrific part was when his clothes were being torn away, exposing him, making him vulnerable. _

_ The police arrived just as Tim was zipping up his pants, Castiel on the bed bleeding and violated. Later the prosecuter said that had the police not seen it with their own eyes, Tim probably would have gone free. He decided that night that he could never trust another man again. _

**A/N: I really tried to avoid being too graphic with Cas' back story. Anyone who follows, just let me know if it is too much for you. The last thing I want to do is trigger this chapter was so long. There just didn't feel like it had any natural breaks in it.**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Castiel felt the tears on his face. He remembered it all too well. He ran to the trash can and tossed up bile and heaved until he was sore and he no longer had the energy. Luckily for him, no one came in for the rest of the day. As the bell rang, permitting his release from his palace of books, he threw on his coat and headed for the door where he was met by a pair of green eyes and skin lightly dusted with freckles. Castiel's stomach threatened to revolt against him again.

Earlier he had handled Dean well. But now, having relived the past, he was mortified. "No" he whispered. Dean's brows came together, furrowing, "What are you talking about?" Castiel just stood there wide eyed, "Please don't" he begged. "What am I doing?" Dean looked worried, hoping he hadn't done something to upset the librarian that he was growing fond of.

Castiel pushed past Dean and ran out the door into the parking lot, leaving Dean confused as ever and full of worry. Dean trailed out slowly behind Castiel, and watched the man climb in a little grey Toyota Corrola and tear out of the parking lot.

Later on that evening, as Dean sat at his kitchen table eating his dinner and grading the chapter outlines his students turned in that day, he felt the buzz of his phone and fished it from his pocket. The number wasn't one he recognized, but he picked up anyways. "Hello?" He asked into the mouth piece. There was silence on the other end. "Look, I am not in the mood for games this evening." Dean pulled the phone away and was about to end the call when he heard a small voice, "Dean?" "Um…yeah. Who is this?" He was very confused at the moment. The man on the other end cleared his throat before answering, "Castiel, Castiel Novak from the library."

Dean tried not to choke on the sip of water he just took. He was shocked that Cas actually called. "Oh! I didn't actually think you would call." "Oh, uh… I'm sorry if I'm you know… interrupting…. You are probably having dinner with your wife and kids." Castiel managed to stammer out. Now it was Dean's turn to feel uncomfortable, "Oh, well… I-I'm divorced…. So…. Yeah." "Sorry to hear that… I didn't mean anything by it. You just seemed like you were… involved." Castiel quickly offered up a response. Dean tried to just ignore the awkward tone the conversation had taken on.

After a brief lapse in conversation, Dean asked, "So what can I do for you Cas?"

"Why do you call me that?" Cas wondered.

"Call you what?"

"Cas."

"Oh, I didn't realize I was doing it. Sorry."

"No, it's fine I have never had a nickname is all."

"Really?" The disbelief evident in Dean's voice.

Castiel gave a soft laugh that was slightly breathy. "No, never."

Another break in the conversation occurred, causing Dean to speak hastily to avoid further uncomfortable conversation, "Do you want to go out for a beer sometime?" Noticing that he had said that out of nowhere he continued with, "You know, just to hang out. I mean, you must be new to town. We could go out and pick up chicks. I mean, I may be 28 but I still have some game left." Adding a slight chuckle on the end. "Haha, sure." Castiel responded, "But I won't be picking up any 'chicks'". "Aw, come on man! Live a little", Dean chided. "Oh um… I don't like women… I prefer men."

You could almost feel the silence fall on them like a heavy blanket. Dean, luckily, was quick with the recovery, "Oh, sorry man. I just assumed." "That's alright Dean. Most people do." Castiel's voice was unaffected by the tension.

After making plans for tomorrow evening, they hung up. Thank god it was a Friday. It had been a long week.

**A/N: OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! I hope you can feel the Destiel coming on. I set it up perfectly, in this short fluffy chapter. You can thank me later.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hey, I know the other day I flooded this story with updates…. But I am enjoying myself. If I haven't posted in a while, that is because I'm being a bit self-conscious. I try my best to take pride in my work, but that doesn't always happen. I swear, I have this inferiority complex.**

Chapter 7

Saturdays. Who doesn't love a good Saturday? Dean woke up in his bed today, not tangled in linen sprawled across the room of a disheveled room. He still had that same nightmare, but it appeared that he didn't thrash about in his sleep. Dean would take progress where he could get it. He rolled lazily out of bed and noticed the time. 11:27 am. He smiled, he slept a full nine hours straight, uninterrupted.

Dean had nothing planned for the day, with the exception of meeting Cas at the Roadhouse for drinks tonight. With all that in mind, he decided it had been a while since he ran. Throwing on a faded t-shirt and sweat pants that certainly had seen better days, he made his way to the living room and sat to put on his old running shoes.

He had kept those damn shoes since freshman year of college. 11 years and still holding on. After a quick warm-up and stretch, Dean set off at a jog. The thing about running for Dean wasn't about the exercise or the satisfaction he got once his muscles started to burn, but he loved feeling the air rush move past him. It was as if he were constantly pushing through barriers, feeling the air make room for him to pass through safely.

Safety. That was something that always got a cynical snort out of him. Safety was merely an illusion that living beings created to console themselves of the inevitable death that waited for them. Maybe that's what he liked about Cas, he didn't live his life as if safety existed and would be his salvation in his time of need. Then again, Castiel Novak was a jumpy man. Blue eyes scanning constantly for threats. Dean could tell that about him, he acted like some of the men who came back from deployment. He was calm, but always afraid. The two opposites separated by a thin membrane, that when put under any stress, broke and created a paradox that shouldn't have existed.

Castiel wasn't natural. The way he accepted Dean's episode as if it were nothing out of the ordinary slightly scared Dean. What had that man seen in order to handle a situation like that with such calm compassion? Maybe he was over thinking it. Maybe it was his ex-wife, Lisa, who was the abnormal one. He shook his head. Lisa leaving him was wrong. He understood why she did it though, she fell in love with a charming, cocky young man. Then when he returned from his final deployment, he was a shell of the man he once was.

After Private Darcy's death, Dean became reckless in the field. On several occasions, it almost cost him his life. He walked a thin line before the loss of his charge. But after his failure, he ran far past that line, no regard for life. He became selfish. He drank to take away the pain. Nothing helped. It took Lisa's announcement of divorce to pull him back to reality. That was three years ago, two months after he had been discharged from the Marines.

Dean had been so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn't realize he had ran all the way to the high school. It was no easy feat once you considered the distance of ten miles. He paused on the side walk, gasping for breath. He realized he had to make it all the way back home, and he groaned internally at the thought even if it was all downhill.

A car slowed down as it approached Dean. "Hey brother!" Came the shout as the window rolled down. Dean ducked to see the driver, and broke out into a huge grin when he recognized Sam as the driver. "Need a lift?" He asked, eyeing the sweaty mess that he called a brother. "You have no idea." Dean said dramatically with exasperation. "Just get in the car." Sam said while rolling his eyes.

**A/N: We now have Dean, Castiel, and Sam. Who are we missing? I think you guys all know who is tagging along in the next chapter.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Okay, not going to lie, I hated writing this chapter. If I could find a way to not include it, I would… But it is necessary for some character development. Well, enjoy!**

Chapter 8

Shortly upon walking in the door, Sam asked if Dean had anything to eat. "Dude, you are a giant already. Are you sure you need to consume more food?" Dean mocked Sam. "Dean, I swear to god. One more joke about my height and I will take your sorry ass back to the school and make you walk home." The irritation evident on Sam's face. Dean just scoffed a bit and continued to his room, "I'm taking a shower Sam. Make yourself at home." Then a moment later, "Get your feet off my coffee table!" Sam rolled his eyes, and took his feet and planted them on the floor. It amazed him how Dean could do that. That sense was probably developed when they were kids.

The Winchester boys had a very complicated past, one that involved being orphaned and then fostered by their Uncle Bobby. Sam and Dean loved Bobby, and he was a fair father to them. It wasn't his job to take them in (he wasn't even family, just a close friend of their fathers), but he did so and raised the boys to be the men they were today. Bobby had passed away a few years ago, just shortly before Private Darcy's untimely demise.

It was because of Bobby that Sam and Dean turned out alright. Sam had become a lawyer, receiving a full-ride scholarship to Stanford, and Dean had become a Marine, in honor of his father. Of course after his discharge, Dean had to do something, so he ended up taking his Bachelor's degree in biology and becoming a high school teacher.

Twenty minutes later, Dean entered the living area freshly showered and in clean casual clothes. "So what the hell are you doing here?" Was the first thing out of his mouth. "Visiting my ass of a brother who is nearly impossible to contact." He supplied as an answer. "Dude, I have a phone you know." "So you can ignore my calls, not call me back, or make up an excuse not to talk?" Sam stated, looking Dean directly in the eye, holding his gaze, "I know the whole divorce with Lisa really messed you up, and I get that. But you don't get to push me away. I am your little brother, and I am going to be here to piss you off until the day we are both six feet under. Hell, I may continue to irritate you beyond the grave"

Dean sighed, "I wouldn't put it passed you to make the afterlife a bitch for me." The both smiled at that thought. "Sam, I don't mind you coming around, but the chick flick moments? Really? We aren't going to sit around and braid our hair and talk about our feelings." Sam rolled his eyes, but laughed softly. Some things never changed. That was the same thing Dean would have said ten years ago. A decade had passed and he still was essentially the same man, "Fine. What have you been up to recently?"

"Not a whole hell of a lot." Dean said, flopping down on the couch. "I am going out tonight with some guy from my work." Sam raised an eyebrow, "You what?" "Oh shut up Sammy. Don't sound surprised. I am a young, free spirited man! You can't contain me!" Dean shouted with mock gusto. "Whoa there stallion, I was just a little surprised is all." Sam offered as an explanation.

"Yeah, well the guy is new to the school. He is the new librarian." "Wait. You mean to tell me that Meg doesn't work in the library anymore?" Sam asked, slightly surprised.

"Meg doesn't work at the school at all. I don't even think she stayed in this town"

"I never thought I would see the day." Sam breathed.

"Me either, but I can't say that I was sad to see her go.

Sam chuckled heartily at Dean, "I'm sure it was a relief. Was she still being… inappropriate?"

"Ugh, more than you know." Dean shook his head.

The conversation came to a lull, however brief it might have been. "So this new guy from work, What's he like?" Sam asked to jumpstart the conversation again. "Why don't you come out with us tonight and find out?" Sam looked surprised by Dean's invitation, "Are you sure? Will he mind?" "Naw, I doubt it. But just to be sure, let me call him real quick"

Dean groaned as he pulled himself up off the couch, beginning to feel the repercussions of his morning run. He walked into his room and grabbed up the phone which sat on his nightstand, and dialed Cas' number. Three rings and then came a groggy, "Hello?" Slightly amused by the disgruntled man on the other end of the phone, Dean smiled and asked, "Were you still asleep?" "Oh, hello Dean. Yes, I was still asleep." Dean heard rustling on the other end, "It's after two and you are just waking up?"

"Dean, you have your sleep habits, and I have mine", Castiel's voice was highly unamused. "Ah, I see then. Well I was just calling to see if it was alright if I brought my little brother, Sam, with me tonight. I wasn't sure if you would mind." Dean waited while there was silence on the other end. Then there was a thump followed by clattering of the phone on the floor and a "umph". "You okay Cas?" Dean asked, his voice concerned but border lining on amusement.

"Ugh, yes. I am perfectly alright," came Castiel's response. It was shortly followed by, "Sure. Would you mind if I brought along my brother, Gabriel?" "Sure!" Came Dean's enthusiastic reply, "I didn't even know that you had a brother." The only response Dean got was a small "mmm" and then, "Well then we will see you there like we had planned." And then a click. Dean made a mental note that a sleepy, just woken up Cas, was not a happy Cas.

Dean made his way back out to the living area and informed Sam that he was allowed to come. He also told him that Cas was going to bring his brother, Gabriel. Sam just nodded, "Cool." "So what do you want to do for the next five or so hours?" Dean asked Sam. Sam just looked over and said, "Dude, How about we do some yard work. The front of your little town home is looking kind of gross." Dean just rolled his eyes, "Fine, but you are doing the mowing. I am so sore that it isn't even funny."

"Jerk", He spit out.

"Bitch", came Dean's reply.

The two just looked at each other and smiled.

**A/N: Sorry, I know this wasn't really much of a chapter. I had to introduce Sam though and get Gabriel in the picture somehow though. Bear with me. The next chapter most certainly holds some… plot twists. **


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Things finally heat up a bit, but don't get too excited you guys. I know that there are a few people who were looking forward to this, but I am sure by the end I will have people hating me as much as the Doctor Who and Sherlock fandom hate Moffat.**

Chapter 9:

The Roadhouse was fairly crowded for a Saturday evening. Dean would have hated to see what Friday must have looked like. Ellen, the owner and longtime family friend, was working the bar with her daughter, Jo. Jo was a pretty young woman. She was a few years younger than Dean, and even though they appeared to flirt sometimes, they were just really good friends. Jo had been like Dean's little sister, and Jo saw him as her big brother. Ellen adored the Winchester boys, and helped Bobby keep them in line when they were growing up.

Dean and Sam had arrived slightly earlier than planned, mainly because Sam was adamant that they would be late unless they got a move on it. So Dean took up his usual place at the bar, and Sam took the seat just to his left. They were towards the end of their first beers when Dean spotted a man with thick, dark "sex" hair, and thought it could be no one other than Cas. Walking with him was a slightly shorter man, with golden hair and topaz eyes. What was with this family and their gem like eyes? He assumed the man with Castiel was his brother, Gabriel.

Dean waved to them, and Castiel caught the motion and smiled in acknowledgement and made his way towards the two men at the bar. Gabriel bounced behind Cas, and that was the only way Dean could describe the brother. Whereas Cas was reserved and serious, Gabriel was energetic and full of humor. "Hello Dean" Cas greeted, "this is my brother Gabriel." Gabriel stuck out his hand and gave a firm hand shake once Dean had put his hand out towards him. Gabriel's eyes shifted from Dean, to the man just over his shoulder, "And who is this fine specimen?" Gabriel inquired with a raised brow.

Castiel blushed with embarrassment, briefly regretting bringing Gabriel along, "For heaven's sake Gabriel. Can you keep it in your pants for the night?" Castiel whispered harshly. The three men laughed at Castiel's apparent discomfort. "I'm Sam", replied the man Gabriel was speaking to. Sam took Gabriel's personality in stride, and soon they were chatting while Cas and Dean greeted each other.

"So that's your brother huh?" Asked Dean, throwing a look over his shoulder. This got a sigh from Cas and the response of, "Yes, but I am not really close with any of my family with the exception of my sister, Anna. Gabriel just recently found me." Dean was puzzled, "What do you mean found you?" "Well", Castiel began "I had some… issues, and I needed my space from my family. So one night I packed up and left. And that is how I first became a librarian. I needed a job and I liked books, and once I started I enjoyed it and it just stuck."

A smile played on Cas' lips. Dean watched Castiel as he spoke and noticed how his face didn't really change expression, but his eyes… His eyes showed emotion with such intensity that Dean had never experienced. Castiel may have spoke with his mouth, but he told stories with his eyes.

After a few hours, Gabriel and Sam were laughing over nothing. Dean noticed Gabriel's hand which rested on Sam's thigh. After another few minutes, Gabriel was whispering in Cas' ear. Whatever he had said, Castiel did not look amused.

Castiel turned to Dean, "Can you give me a ride home?" The question was abrupt, but Dean managed to respond with little hesitation, "Sure. No problem Cas." After Dean gave his response, Cas dug his hand into his front pocket of his jeans and pulled out a set of keys, "I swear to God Gabriel, do not wreck my car or apartment or so help me…" Gabriel grabbed the keys with a smile, "Thank you Cassy" Gabriel turned to leave, Sam following behind. "Where the hell are you going?" Dean called after Sam. Rather than answer, Sam continued to walk forward and kept his back to Dean waving his hand in some awkward form of goodbye.

Dean just stared after them, utterly confused at what just happened, "What was that?" "Gabriel and Sam went back to my place. Gabriel is staying with me in the guest bedroom for his visit." Cas grunted. The sat in silence, and then Dean realized what was happening. "Wait… You mean that those two are…" He trailed off. Castiel took a sip from his water (since he refused to drink alcohol of any sort), and then nodded confirming what Dean suspected.

"Well then," Dean started "I mean, I knew Sam played for both teams and everything… but I guess I always thought he was more into chicks." Castiel started to laugh at Dean. "What!?" Dean asked indigently. "Nothing," Castiel said, continuing with his laughter. "It's just the look on your face. I mean, they are grown men after all." Dean rolled his eyes and quickly decided to change the topic, "So are you going to try and pick up a guy or what?"

It was Dean's turn to laugh at Castiel as he turned the color of a ripe strawberry. "What Cas, are you chicken?" Dean was doing his best to egg him on. "There isn't anyone in here I find attractive," Castiel responded while clearing his throat. "Ouch man, that wounds my pride," Dean joked and laugh as Castiel's face went white. "Th-that's n-n-not what I m-m-meant." Dean paused in his laughter, "Cas, I was just joking man." Dean placed a hand on his shoulder. "C-could you just t-take me home?" Castiel said quietly, face pointed towards the ground.

Dean furrowed his brow, but he hadn't the slightest idea what he had done. He just joked that Cas wasn't attracted to him… Wait. Was that it? _Did_ Cas find him attractive? Did Dean find Cas attractive? Why was he even asking himself that? He had never found any other guy attractive (with only one exception). Sure he could appreciate other males, but he never once before thought "I would ride that". Should he confront Cas about it? I mean, now thinking about it he did think Cas had amazing eyes. Then if you pair that with the scruff and sex hair….

"Yeah, sure thing Cas", Was what Dean decided to respond with. The stood and walked out to his car. As the stepped outside, they were greeted by cool night air. It was refreshing, and it cleared Dean's head slightly.

They were in the car when Dean heard, "Nice car." He turned to see Cas staring out the window as they pulled out of the parking lot. "Thanks, I restored her myself" Dean said while reaching hand out and stroking the dashboard of his 1967 Chevy Impala. "She is the only lady I will ever need," Dean joked.

Cas was still tense from his slip up in the bar. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. He honestly couldn't believe that he had let Dean see that. Dean surely must have noticed the way he reacted to his comment. Of all the careless things… And then on top of all of that, Cas was pretty sure Dean only invited him out because he felt bad about the incident at lunch the other day. Who could ever find someone as ugly and broken as him?

Having been lost in his thoughts he hadn't notice Dean had pulled off to the side of the road and was parked and facing Cas speaking in a low voice, "Cas? Hey Cas… Can you hear me?" Castiel snapped to. He hadn't realized he had let tears fall as he was consumed by his mind. "Cas, are you alright? I was just asking for directions to your place and you didn't respond. I looked over and you were…" Dean trailed off.

Dean had noticed Castiel's tears and was concerned. He pulled of the road and, after Cas didn't respond the second time he said his name, he started talking to Castiel in a gentle voice. Dean knew what the repercussions of touching him could be. After Cas snapped back to consciousness, he looked at Dean and held eye contact with him. The look in Castiel's eyes was fierce, angry, something he had never seen from the man before.

"Don't be nice to me." Castiel stated. Dean was so very confused, "What are you talking about?" "Don't play dumb with me Dean Winchester. Who put you up to this anyway? Was it Phil? P.E. teacher are always such dicks to me. It wouldn't surprise me if you all had a bet going on in the teachers' lounge. I bet Dean can't get him to hang out with him. I bet Dean would be able to handle that crazy librarian! I know you don't want to spend your Saturday nights with some loser like me! SO DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE BE NICE TO ME!" Castiel's voice had reach an extreme level of hysteria, and Dean was a little frightened.

"First off," Dean started after taking a moment to collect his thoughts "No one 'put me up to this'. I genuinely want to get to know you. Secondly, Phil is actually a nice guy if you give him a chance. And finally, Who the hell ever told you that you were a loser? Because they were dead wrong. I have never met anyone as interesting as you." Dean's eyes held a ferocity that threatened to rip Castiel's tirade to shreds. Dean's eyes daring Castiel to challenge him. "You're wrong. You don't know anything about me." Cas whispered as he looked away. "Please, just take me home." Dean waited for a moment, watching Castiel. Seeing that his body was ridged and tense, as if he were anticipating an attack. Dean gave a sad sigh and started the car again, "Sure".

They drove the rest of the way to Castiel's house in silence that was only broken when Cas told Dean to turn. They pulled up to the front of his apartment, and they paused. Dean wanted so badly to look at Cas to make sure he was okay. And Cas wanted to apologize for his outburst. But they did neither, instead Castiel opened the door and got out of the vehicle. Slamming the door without a word.

A/N: Oh fuck, I honestly didn't mean for it to turn into this. I just started writing and it just took on a mind of it's own. I was trying my hand at writing a smutty scene for one of the next chapters, but I just was horrified at my writing abilities. So coming soon will be some lighter chapters, but first I have to consult my DGF (designated gay friend).


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I just realized how long that last chapter was. Oops, oh well. Deal with the fabulousness.**

**P.S. I am in such an amazing mood thanks to Lopithecus. Here is another chapter, and know that there is only one chapter after this one then you all get a surprise. Because I love you dearly. **

Chapter 10:

Cold. Hard. Floor. Ugh, god how he hated waking up from these nightmares. Last night must have been extremely brutal. He had managed to rearrange his entire room, take all of the bedding off his bed, and he had a bruise blooming across his right side. He had never been through such a violent night since the dreams started.

It was now Sunday. The final day of the weekend, knowing tomorrow he would have to wake up early and walk into a school to mold the minds of today's youth. His kids didn't understand that he hated the ending of the weekend as much as they did. And Dean was especially dreading Monday.

He had scheduled his classes for the library again, giving them one more day of class time to use on their papers. Going to the library meant facing Castiel. Dean didn't even understand why he was so against seeing him after last night. He hadn't done anything wrong… Had he? He replayed through the night again, looking for things that might have gotten to Cas. He knew that at the mention of relationships Cas had gotten squirmy. He was just joking. Isn't that what guys did? Maybe he was loosing his touch. Maybe he was just an ass and Castiel didn't want to deal with it.

But that wasn't what Cas addressed in his rant in the car. He said that he was a loser. Who would say that about themselves? He understands that people don't see their full value, but Cas didn't think he was special at all. He talked as if he was a burden on Dean. But he wasn't. He wasn't a burden at all. He rather enjoyed Cas' company. He was so proper and well spoken, he reminded Dean a little bit of Sam. He just didn't know how to make Castiel understand that. He didn't know how to make him see what he sees.

It was past one in the afternoon. Dean had spent the morning cleaning and rearranging the bedroom set up. He hoped that the new arrangement would be safer for him. Giving up on trying to clearing his mind of Cas, Dean flopped down on the cool floor.

The cool tile felt refreshing against his heated skin. "Ugh", Dean let out a long groan. No amount of cleaning or organizing or running could clear his head. He rolled from his back onto his stomach and pressed his face against the floor, searching for relief. What was he going to do about Cas? He did want to continue to get to know him, but what if Dean did something stupid? It honestly wouldn't surprise him if he did. At this point he had to figure out how to get Cas to talk to him again-

There was a sharp rapping sound that emanated from the front door. Not wanting to move he groaned and shouted out "WHO IS IT?" it was annoying to hear the whine in his own voice. When did he become a little bitch? There was a long pause. Dean began to think he had scared off whoever it was, but then he here mumbling on the other side of the door. "One moment" Dean called to his visitor.

With great effort, Dean hauled himself off the floor and over to the door. He didn't even bother to look through the peep hole, just assuming it was girl scouts or the like. When he swung open the door, there stood before him Castiel.

To say that he looked like shit was an understatement. He made Dean look like a model, and he was sweaty in a plain white t-shirt and athletic pants. Cas had ditched his usual attire and now donned a more… relaxed (for lack of a better word) ensemble. He had a wrinkled, faded shirt that was partially tucked into ratty old jeans.

"Cas?" Dean didn't even try to hide his surprise. "H-hello Dean", stammered Castiel. It nearly broke Dean's heart to see Cas so torn up. He wanted nothing more than to help him, and take that look of pain from his face. "Come on in Cas", Dean said stepping to the side letting Cas pass into the main area.

Castiel noticed the brown couch, it was frayed along the edges signaling it's long life. There was a coffee table covered in rings from beverages being placed on it. Also a side table littered with the remnants of yesterdays' mail. The walls were beige and bare, with the exception of a single photo frame that contained a scene depicting the brutality of war.

Cas' throat was dry. What he was about to tell Dean he had never told anyone. He was more scared than he wanted to admit. This was the man who ferociously claimed his life was valuable. And maybe that was the reason for Castiel's fear. He had finally found a friend, someone who he might be able to trust.

Dean noticed how nervous of Cas looked. He looked afraid, and he was jumpy and jittery. He looked at the dark haired man. He was searching his face, but found nothing. Then he looked into his eyes, so blue… Like water, but it wasn't calm. They contained the rage of the sea, the violence that emotional turmoil causes. Dean steeled himself, knowing nothing good would come from him with a look like that in his eyes.

"Dean," Cas stated firmly. "I need to talk, and you need to listen." Dean went to open his mouth, and then promptly shut it and just replied with a sharp nod. He sat on the couch, gesturing that Castiel should sit too.

"Dean," Cas started again. Before he knew what was happening, he was spilling his life story to this virtual stranger.

**A/N:**** I try and update frequently because I know that some of the fics I read leave me hanging and I go crazy waiting for a new chapter. It's cuz I care about you all deeply.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: And now! What you have all been waiting for... kind of. I needed a transitional chapter, so deal. I plan on posting Chapter 11 in the morning and then Chapter 12 eight or so hours after that. I'm not going to leave you hanging.**

Chapter 11:

Dean stared in disbelief as Castiel spoke of his past. At one point, Castiel broke down and it took him almost twenty minutes before he could continue again. Dean never once spoke, and as Castiel approached his account of the previous night, he sat still and listened. Dean felt sick. He couldn't believe everything that this quiet and reserved librarian had gone through.

Castiel finished, and the room was silent. They didn't speak for a few moments, and then Cas looked at Dean and nodded; signaling that he could speak if he wanted. "Oh Cas," Dean whispered. With that, Castiel collapsed. The last bit of resolve he was holding onto, dissolved letting loose the flood of emotions that he had been holding back over the last few years.

Dean saw Cas' distress and slowly moved closer to him on the couch. He was careful, and was watch Cas for signs of discomfort. When he was just over a foot away, Castiel threw his arms around Dean's neck and jumped in his lap. Castiel was searching for comfort, trying to find something that numbed his pain.

Once Dean got over his initial shock, he held Cas tightly. Keeping the broken person close trying to make it better. He felt as Castiel pressed harder into him, almost as if he was trying to hide or disappear. Dean was helpless in this situation, "What do I do Cas?" He whispered, searching desperately for something that would remedy the pain that Castiel harbored inside.

At Dean's question, Castiel raised his head. He hadn't noticed how close he was to Dean. Now as he looked at Dean, he was so close that he could see the dusting of freckles across his face. He looked into those green eyes that mesmerized him. Without hesitation, Castiel crushed his lips against Dean's. He kissed him, still searching for his missing pieces.

Dean was caught off guard, and after a moment pulled away from Castiel. "Cas, what the hell are you doing?" His voice barely audible. "I-I… I am so sorry Dean." Castiel whimpered. That was when Dean kissed Cas. He had been attracted to Cas, but he didn't realize it because he wouldn't allow himself to. He was a Marine where homosexuality was worse than treason. He conditioned himself into ignoring his feelings for men. But now that Castiel had kissed him, he knew what he wanted. He pulled Cas close and pressed their bodies together. He deepened the kiss.

Castiel pulled back violently, "Don't." "What?" Dean was so lost. "Don't do this because you think it will make me better, or because you pity me." Dean looked at Cas, "I want you to know that this isn't about me pitying you. If I didn't want this, I wouldn't have kissed you back." Castiel stared steadily into Dean's eyes, "Dean, I want you".

Dean searched Castiel's face, searching for any signs of sarcasm or hesitation. He had no idea how to proceed from here. Hell, he wasn't even completely sure how two men were supposed to have sex together. "I, uh—," Dean started, but Cas cut him off by slowly kissing him again. "Cas, are you sure you want to do this?" Dean asked. "I'm sure," Cas replied.

Dean leaned in and pressed a kiss to Castiel's lips. Castiel matched Dean's intensity and then proceeded to dive deeper, allowing Dean to hesitantly lick Castiel's bottom lip. Cas allowed Dean what he wanted, opening his mouth slightly so their tongues could dance together. Cas threw his legs around Dean's wait, using his legs to pull the two closer together, their arousal apparent to both men.

**A/N: As my friend put it "0 to gay in six seconds". There is a reason I set it up like this. Third person limited peeps, even if I flip-flop point of view occasionally. You won't get to find out my reasons until Chapter 13.**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12:

Dean swung his legs and stood, taking Castiel's weight with him never once breaking their kiss. He carried Castiel with ease down the hallway. By this point Castiel was grinding his hips into Dean, making his intentions very clear.

As they approached the door to Dean's bedroom, he flipped around to push the door open with the back of his shoulders. He made his way over to his bed and laid Cas down. Dean used his arms to hold himself above Cas as he continued to kiss him. Cas trailed his hands down Dean's back and let them rest on his firm ass. He pulled Dean into him so he could feel Dean's hardness on his thigh. Dean slipped his hand under Cas' shirt, letting his hands explore his lover's skin. Castiel moved things forward by pulling his shirt off and threw it, not caring where it landed.

Dean brushed his lips against Castiel's check, moving to his jaw and softly sucking his way down his let his lips rest firmly on Cas' neck as Castiel let out a soft moaned. Dean ran his hands up the librarian's lean chest to his brought his mouth down to Cas' nipples and flicked his tongue over the heated flesh eliciting a deep sigh from Cas. Dean continued his journey down Castiel's kissed every inch of Cas' beautiful chest, and he let his tongue run over each nipple once more. Dean let his hand's fall to Cas' hips and tightened his hold on the man. He kept moving his head farther down; kissing ever muscle in Cas' tight abdomen.

Dean paused and looked up at Castiel for permission to continue. Castiel nodded his approval, but Dean still hesitated, "Dean, we don't have to do this if you don't want to." Dean cocked his head to the side, "I just want to make sure this is what you want." After another moment of hesitation, Castiel sighed and rolled his eyes, "Just do it already."

Having received the confirmation he was searching for, Dean popped the button of Castiel's jeans, and pulled Cas' hips up and slid the pants off taking his boxers with them. Cas' hard cock sprung free. Dean's left hand gripping the base of Cas' cock; and his right going straight to Cas' loose balls. Dean ran his tongue up and down Cas' skin from navel to pelvis causing Cas to emitted another loud moan. "Ugh, suck me," Cas sighed. "Are you sure?" Dean asked. Cas didn't respond. He just thrust his hips forward.

Dean let his tongue slide one last time down the skin of Cas' stomach. He began to lick the head of Cas' dick. He ran his tongue up the shaft, and then let his tongue swirl around the head. He slowly closed his lips around the head and slowly sank his mouth down. He let his hands roam over Cas' chest as he continued to suck on Cas. Cas hands slid down to rest on top of Dean's head, and grabbed a fistful of dirty blonde hair. He used his grasp on Dean's hair to pull it ever so slightly, controlling Dean's pace.

Dean relaxed and allowed Cas to guide his strokes. Dean bobbed his head until he had manage to take all of Cas in one swift downward motion, causing Dean to swallow part of Cas down his throat. Dean looked up into Cas' eyes. He let Cas' dick fall out of his mouth and slid his mouth to Cas' large balls. Dean slowly took each one in his mouth, sucking one in to run his tongue over it, and slowly then released each one.

"Can I suck you now?" Cas asked in between breaths. He sat up and began to strip Dean of his clothes. He knelt on his knees before Dean and quickly slid his mouth over Dean's throbbing cock. Dean involuntarily thrust his dick forward."Shit, I'm sorry. Did I go too fast?" Dean asked. He didn't want to hurt Cas in any way. Dean panicked slightly when Cas didn't reply, but he just kept sucking Dean. Dean ran his hands through Cas' hair, feeling the soft dark locks slip through his fingers. Cas lifted his hands and began to play with Dean's ass. He let his index finger dance over Dean's tight hole. "Fuck, that feels good," Dean moaned. Cas pulled his mouth of Dean's cock. "I want you inside me," he said. "Are you sure?" Dean replied. "Yes, I'm sure. Stop asking me if I'm okay and fuck me," Cas finished. "Um, okay," Dean replied. He wasn't even sure if he knew what to do.

Dean went to his nightstand and pulled out a condom. Cas quickly got on all fours on Dean's bed. Dean approached Cas, not exactly certain what he should do. He remembered when he was with Lisa, they used lube and he loosened her up with his fingers first. He figured the same went for sex with another man. He quickly retreated back to the nightstand and pulled out a tube. After quickly squirting some on Castiel's ass hole, he took a finger and slowly worked it inside Cas. He found Cas' sweet spot and began to rub it. "Oh, fuck," Cas moaned. Dean quickly slid in a second finger, and then a third; allowing each one to stretch him.

Dean positioned his cock and pulled out his fingers only to replace it with his cock. Cas gasped as Dean slid his entire eight inches into his ass. "Sorry" Dean said, realizing that must have hurt Cas in some way. "No, I'm fine. I just didn't expect that much that quickly". Being more cautious, Dean slowly began to slide in and out of Cas' ass. "Fuck, you feel so good," Dean moaned. With each thrust, Dean was going in faster and faster. Cas' moans became louder and louder. "Fuck, fuck, fuck," was all Cas could manage to get out. Dean took each word as an invitation to go harder, and faster, and harder still.

"I'm close," Cas moaned. Dean pulled out of Cas' ass and laid on his back. "I want you to ride me before you come," Dean told Cas. Cas faced Dean and climbed on top once again letting his ass take all of Dean's cock. Cas slowly let himself rise and fall on Dean's throbbing cock. "Fuck, go faster!" Dean yelled. Cas began stroking his own cock as he rode Dean faster and faster. "Fuck, I'm coming!" Cas yelled as he began to shoot. Cas shot over Dean's chest. "Fuck!" Dean moaned as he felt himself release inside the condom. He wished that he didn't have to be safe and could've allowed his cum to fill Cas' ass.

Cas fell forward onto Dean's chest. Dean was breathless, all he could do was wrap his arms around Cas as his chest heaved. That was the best orgasm Dean had ever experienced. After all those times with his ex-wife, not a single time compared to this.

**A/N: As with any sexual encounter, it is important to practice safe sex. Be sure to talk to your partner about what types of protection works best for your specific situation. Also be sure to be tested for STDs on a regular basis. Talk to your doctor about what tests would be best based on your specific sexual history. This scene was written by Kacie's gay best friend J **

**E/N: A majority of the logistics and what not was written by my dear friend, William. I just reworded, rephrased, and omitted/added a few things. I tried to write a scene on my own, but it caused me physical discomfort and extreme embarrassment. I had no effing idea what to do. So from here on out, just assume that all the chapters that include smut are co-written. I hope you liked it you dirty little readers :) Don't worry, I like 'em dirty.**

**P.S. I just hit a massive writer's block, so I will probably only putting up one chapter a day until I can wrap my head around this story. I shall search for inspiration. **


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Now it is time to mess everything up. You didn't think I would just let there be a happy ending did you? Come on you guys, you should know by now that I am not that nice.**

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Chapter 13:

Dean woke up before his alarm clock went off, it was another Monday. Work, ugh. Essays were due at the end of this week. Then the administrative staff expected them graded and returned the following Monday. The day had barely begun, and god he was tired. This week promised to be long and trying, but luckily they had fourteen days until Spring break.

Dean was surprised to realize he was on his bed, with the blankets lying on top of him rather than wrapped around his body constricting him. Dean let out a sigh and made to roll off the bed when he knocked into Cas. What the….? After his brief moment of panic, his confusion set in. Then once again panic took place of the confusion once he remembered the events of last night.

He was gay…. Holy shit, Dean was _gay. _What the hell? He couldn't be gay. He had never found another male attractive, he wasn't entirely sure if he found Cas attractive. What had he done? _Damn it,_ Dean cursed himself,_ What were you thinking? Why on earth would you carry on with him? You aren't a homo. You don't like dick, you like tits. Stop this. You are being a dumb ass. _But the truth of the matter was, he did like Cas. He couldn't deny that he was attracted to the man who lay next to him.

Dean began to question everything that had happened since he met Cas. That wasn't confusion he was feeling all those times. It only manifested as confusion because he was constantly fighting his feelings. But what would Bobby say? What would Dean's father think, were he still alive, about having a gay son? He already knew how his father would feel. He would be a discrace to the Winchester name. Men were supposed to be men. Men are supposed to like women, are supposed to have sex with women. Dean's chest was tight. And just as tears began to slide down his face, his alarm sounded. Castiel stirred beside him.

The panic set in once again. He could feel it pounding in his chest. He could feel the headache and nausea begin to manifest. Dean didn't want to move. He didn't want to have to deal with anything right now. He wanted nothing more than to disappear and run off to a remote cabin in the woods, never having to see another human ever again.

Before Dean could think through his actions, he bolted from the bed into the shower. After a hasty cleansing, he rushed into his closet and threw on his standard work attire and ran past Castiel. He called over his shoulder, "I have to be at work. Make yourself at home." Then grabbed his bag and ran out the door, half way dressed and an emotional wreck.

Avoiding Cas during the week had been easier than he expected. The school was buzzing with activity. There were the students who were rushing around like chickens with the head cut off, those were the procrastinators who were scrambling to finish the many final essays they had been assigned. Then there was the buzz and excitement of the upcoming two week vacation. Throw into that the grumbling teachers who needed to finish grading mountains of assignments, and you had yourself a great big pile of busy. It also helped that Castiel's library was constantly busy, making it near impossible for him to leave to go to the rest room let alone hunt down Dean.

Friday rolled around, and Dean couldn't remember a time when he actually was dreading a Friday. Fridays signified the end of a week, the promise of freedom (no matter how temporary), and good spirits for everyone. But to Dean; this Friday meant being swamped with papers that demanded grading and a very likely possibility that he would have to finally confront Castiel.

Dean was right to dread this day. After school, he carried two cardboard boxes full of essays to his car and watched with horror and the weight of them forced the car's shocks to contract, making it sink lower towards the ground. He knew these essays would be terrible to grade. He could tell which students had put in the time and effort, and which ones threw some fancy words together with the hopes of getting a passing grade.

Once he had managed to set up his "grading station" (which was really just his kitchen table stocked with red pens and a vast amount of caffeinated beverages), he set to work. It didn't take long for Dean to be rewarded with the wisdom of teenagers

_"I feel bad for the seahorse. It's scientific name is almost as bad as moon moon. Hippocampus hippocampus. It means seahorse seahorse."_

_"Because they are exposed to male hormones during development, female hyenas have a structure known as a "pseudopenis," which is used in olfactory communication and signaling. The highest ranking female will have the largest pseudopenis! They also give birth through it. Most offspring survive this strange birth process, but mortality rate for birthing mothers can be as high as 10-20%"_

Those gems just made him chuckle, but then there was this one paper. It was basically an entire essay explaining why they couldn't write the essay. Then a few papers later, he started reading an essay that started off strong and had several valid points. Half way through the second page, the kid started writing out the synopsis for Star Wars: Clone War. As much as Dean wanted to give that kid a passing grade, he was fifty shades of done with his high schoolers' shit, and promptly failed him with a 1/100.

After Star Wars boy, Dean just slumped in his chair. This weekend was going to be a bitch, and then he continued to slide down in the chair until he had managed to sprawl himself out on the floor. "YOU FILTHY HETHENS!" Dean shouted as loudly as possible while shaking his fist in the air. Dean heard a laugh coming from just outside his door. Dean bolted up straight, caught off guard by the sound. "Uhh… Who's there?" Dean called was the sound of someone clearing there throat, "Um… It's Castiel." Fuck.

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** A/N: I liked this stopping point. It seemed natural. But next chapter will be long so I needed a good place to end this one.**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14:

**A/N: Alright, let's do this bitch. Sorry it's so short. I just didn't know what to do and I promised an update everyday. I will remain true to my word ladies and gentlemen. **

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. He couldn't pretend like he wasn't home, but he didn't want to do this with Cas right now. He had barley gotten through half of his first period class' essays. It was past 11pm and he knew he had his work cut out for him. He didn't even know if it was humanly possible to get all of the essays graded, or at least graded thoroughly. Dean decided that this was going to have to happen sooner or later, and now was as good a time as any. "Yeah, Give me a second." He called out as he got to his feet.

Dean shuffled towards his front door, flipped the lock, and slowly cracked the door. He managed to open it just enough to see, but not enough to allow Cas in. _What a moron Dean. Get your shit together._ And so continued his internal monologue of chastisement and criticism. _You are such an ass. No wonder why Lisa divorced you. You do this all the time and expect everything to go your way. You can't just use people like that. You are a horrible person, and you hurt Cas for no reason. Just look at his face! That is what pain looks like, you asshole. _

Dean was relentless, mentally kicking the crap out of himself. "Cas, you shouldn't be here." With those few simple words, he watched as Castiel crashed. The once hopeful countenance, now replaced with a look of complete and utter emotional decimation. "Wh-what?" Castiel asked. The pain manifested physically and Dean noted the formation of tears in Castiel's sad blue eyes. "You need to go home Cas." Dean stated emotionlessly and shut the door. He placed his back against the door, feeling tears rising to his own eyes. They fell silently down his face, soaking his shirt. He was a monster. He used people around him.

Suddenly overwhelmed by emotion, Dean flew into a frenzy. He started tossing furniture and screaming incoherently. He cursed the day he was born. He cursed the day that his father beat him when he was found kissing another boy. He hated that the last words his father said to him were "None of my sons will be a filthy homosexual." He hated that he had told his father to go and die.

Because that is what happened, he died. He died taking his mother with him. They literally went down in a burning ring of fire. Dean always felt like maybe if he hadn't fought with his dad…. He wasn't sure. What did he think would be different? His father was dead and now Dean was a "filthy homosexual". He made love to a man and that is a sin beyond forgiveness in his father's eyes, and not the "Big man upstairs" father; but John Winchester. Displeasing God wasn't a big concern of Dean's, but to know for the fourth time in his life he had disappointed his father? It was almost unbearable.

First when he was younger, John had caught Dean kissing a boy he liked by the creek. Then he got kicked out of the Marine Corps because he was a pussy. Next he was a failure as a husband and let Lisa down. And for the final thing on his list, He fucked another man… And he would do it again.

**A/N: I wrote this chapter and decided I didn't like it, so I deleted most of it and started all over again. It was too calm and understanding, and it just kind of fell flat. I have no effing idea where to take this story from here. Also note that I have nothing against any sexual orientation. This was strictly for literary purpose, and I felt it justified Dean's reaction. I think we will probably have to go through some angsty turmoil to get to the root of his problems**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: So I know you guys needed something. This is like a flashback for Dean. Maybe I will do one for Cas if you guys like this one. Sorry for the lack of updates. I am a horrible person. I wear the cone of shame. Also, be ware that there is child abuse and sever homophobic themes. It is totally fine if you don't want to read this. It shouldn't really affect your understanding of the plot that much. **

Chapter 15:

Dean and Cory were very close. They were the best of friends and were nearly inseparable. As the boys got older and entered puberty, their talks transitioned from super heroes into Susanna Walker (the most attractive girl in school). The boys shared almost everything, but Dean knew some things you can't tell other people.

Cory had his first kiss at 13 and Dean was the first to know about it. At this point Dean had already had a first kiss too, but for whatever reason hearing about Cory's first kiss just irritated him. Cory started to slowly drift from Dean as Susanna took interest in Cory. It's not that the girls didn't like Dean (they fell all over him) he just was more concerned with the fact that Cory was no longer with him 24/7.

Soon they were barely talking, but one day Cory came to hang out with Dean and they had a good time. That is, until the topic of girls came up. Cory wanted to know why Dean wasn't "dating" some girl. He just shrugged it off with a "I dunno". Cory dropped it, but he came back to I a few minutes later. He kept pestering Dean because none of the answers satisfied Cory.

"Goddamn it Cory. Just drop it okay?" Dean finally had enough of the questions. Cory looked at Dean, "What's your problem man?" The nerve of Cory to ask such a stupid question. "Don't pretend like you give a fuck Cory. You don't get to just decide when you want to be my friend. You can't just be a friend when it suits you." Dean stormed off towards the creek. He went there to think. Or when he wanted to be alone. Which right now, he really needed to be alone and have some time to cool off and think.

Cory followed Dean. He figured his friend would want to talk eventually. They reached the creek and Dean approached the rocky bank and watched the current flow, trying to steady his mind. Cory hung back and waited. After what felt like a small eternity, Dean turned around to leave. He had thought he was alone, but then he saw Cory and figured he had been standing there the whole time. Upon seeing his friend, he turned again and began to walk up stream away from Cory.

"Dude, what the hell is wrong? I don't get it." Cory was absolutely confused. Dean stopped abruptly causing Cory to nearly slam into him. "What's wrong?" Dean repeated. He turned around with a dark storm stirring behind his eyes. He just looked Cory dead on, "You"

Dean's words hung in the air. After Cory got over his initial shock, he started to speak only to be cut off by his friend, "Don't. Just don't. I really don't want to fucking hear it right now." Dean walked off and called over his shoulder, "Let me know when you get your shit together." Cory was done with Dean. He ran to catch up to him and put a hand on his shoulder to get him to turn and stop so that they could talk. Dean stopped and turned alright, but he also swung his fist around and clocked Cory right in the jaw.

Cory stumbled back a few feet. "Here's the thing Cory, you run around with Susanna all the time. I am glad that you like her, that's cool whatever. But I am tired of getting stood up because of her. I was your friend long before Susanna came into the picture." Dean left it at that. Cory just laughed, "Is that what this temper tantrum is about Dean? You're feeling jealous of a girl? How pathetic. What? Do you want me to kiss _you?_" "What if I did?" Dean deadpanned.

With that Cory stepped forward and so did Dean. Dean grasped his friend's face and pulled him in, crushing his lips desperately against the other boy's. After a few moments, they broke apart. "Happy?" Cory asked. To which Dean responded by pulling him in for another kiss. This time running his tongue over the other boy's lips hoping Cory would reciprocate, and he did. The next time they broke apart Dean still held Cory's face, "Yeah, I'm jealous. Sue me."

They parted at the creek, each boy heading to their designated homes. They continued to be friends at school. But once they were released, they would meet at the creek and that was where they were allowed to be themselves. That was a place where they didn't have to hide. This went on for a few weeks, until one day John Winchester went to bring Dean home early for dinner. He spotted the boys. They were sitting and talking, then they turned to look at each other and leaned in for a kiss.

Needless to say, John flew into a rage. He yanked Dean to his feet and told Cory to go home. They he hauled Dean all the way home where he got the beating of a life-time. The beatings didn't stop for weeks, and John never forgave Dean. He was a dirty homosexual. John asked Dean if he liked guys, and would beat him until he answered no. He would show Dean pictures of men in slightly erotic poses and beat him if there was even a slight sign of arousal from the boy.

On week Dean finally broke. He no longer though boys were attractive. He looked at Cory with disgust and called him a fag. Cory and Dean never spoke again until graduation. Dean was leaving in two days for basic training, and Cory left the following morning for the city where he had a summer internship. Cory approached Dean, and once he got Dean's attention, told Dean what he never thought he would hear, "I loved you Dean, and I still do. I'm sorry that you got hurt."

Dean looked at Cory for a moment, his green eyes confused. Then without warning, "Stay the fuck away from me you fag." And he walked off to return to his father who was proud of the way his son handled the situation.

**A/N: I feel like this really shows why Dean acts the way he does. I just feel like for him to blow so hot and cold all the time there had to be something big. I honestly got sick writing this chapter. Child abuse is horrible. Truth be told, I almost didn't want to write this as Dean's backstory. Sorry you guys. Next chapter will probably be Castiel's childhood. Be ready for a lot more of the dark subject matter. **


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: So this is turning out to be quite longer than I had anticipated. I think I am going to end it with a fluffy smut scene, but I have some more sinister ideas. You all should start praying that I don't have a bad day any time soon.**

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_**Trigger warning! Rape and violence. You may not want to read it until the last two or three paragraphs if you will be triggered in any way by the previously mentioned content.**_

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Chapter 16:

Castiel woke in his bed, sweat beading on his forehead. It took him a moment to realize that he was dreaming and that Tim wasn't there standing over his broken form. Castiel slowly curled into a ball trying to burrow under the blankets to safety. He couldn't help the sobs that filled the room. He just let the tears flow freely. He could have sworn he felt the hands of his attacker groping his body, touching him in ways that he didn't want to be touched.

He remembered his body's reaction. How he became hard during Tim's unwanted attention. He also could remember the leer on that monster's face as he leaned in to whisper "See you whore? Yeah, I knew you wanted it you fucking tease." He could remember fingers closing around his throat and he felt the pain as he was choking, unable to breathe. He was grateful for this, now he would finally be dead and no longer had to deal with his life.

He also remembered the hot, sticky feeling as Tim came inside him. He remembered the police staring for a few moments before they pinned down the vile man. He remembered the paramedics and the ambulance ride to the hospital. He remembered hearing the words "Rape" and "Trauma" and others such as "shock" and "non-responsive". Who could blame the man? His body was used against his will. He was forced into something he wasn't ready for. Who would react well to those circumstances?

The next thing Castiel felt was being picked up and cradled. Strong arms wrapped around him as Castiel wept. He wasn't sure what his reasons for crying were anymore. He just needed to let everything out. He needed to cry out all of the events since he moved to town. He needed to cry over the fact that Dean hated him, that he thought he was a "dirty homo". Castiel guessed he was right, "I am such a dirty homosexual whore." He wailed to the arms that rocked him.

"Shhh… Cas, I was wrong." Castiel's head shot up and found himself looking into the saddest green eyes he had ever seen. He immediately struggled to get away, but the arms around him held him close and refused to let go. "Cas, stop. Stop it, I am not going to hurt you," Dean said. "Not anymore." Castiel saw the tears welling up in Dean's eyes. "I was so wrong. I was wrong about everything. I am so sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me, but just let me be here for you right now."

Castiel stopped his resistance. He let himself fall into the contours of Dean's body. They laid down on the bed, and Dean continued to press the other man into his body. Dean was trying his best to make Cas feel secure. God, he was such an ass. He looked down at the broken man in his arms. He had caused that. He made this mess. "I am so sorry" Dean whispered again, kissing the top of Castiel's head.

**A/N: I am giving you guys two chapters within the same 24 hour period because I whimped out on you all the other day. I can feel the end, and I know how I am going to end it. I am sorry. Also, sorry for the shortness of this, but the next chapter is going to be a long one (and possibly the last one)**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Well, it was nice of you all to stick with me. Here is the final chapter. I really hope you go look at the Acknowledgments/afterwards. I can guarantee that I mentioned you :p**

Chapter 17:

Monday came, and with it nervous students fretting over the final papers they had turned in for the midterm. Dean could smell the angst as he walked on campus. He looked over to Castiel, who was helping him carry a box of essays to his classroom. Dean was happy, and Cas was too. Sunday had been a day of tears and heartfelt confessions. Dean still felt uncomfortable with being "gay", but he knew that was something he would have to work on. Cas was patient, and he wasn't going to push Dean.

After setting the boxes in Dean's classroom, he grabbed Castiel's hand and walked towards the door. Cas stopped, causing Dean to look back, "What's wrong Cas?" "Dean, you don't have to hold my hand to walk me to the library." He responded softly. "But I want to." Dean said dropping Cas' hand. He didn't want to make Cas uncomfortable.

"No!," Cas blurted out. "I just didn't want you to feel like you had to. I don't want you to move faster than you want to." The words came out in a rush, and Dean smiled. He took Castiel's hand and they made their way to the library. "What fucking homos." Dean heard as they walked through the halls. Dean's jaw tightened, and Cas went to drop his hand only to find Dean holding it firmly in place. Dean would be damned if some punk ass kid was going to single handedly destroy what little confidence Dean had left. He spun Cas around so that they stood face to face. Dean placed a gentle and chaste kiss on his lips.

Dean could almost hear the kid's mouth drop open, "You are gonna catch flies in that thing if you keep it hanging open like an idiot." Dean called over his shoulder, and the girl standing with the boy laughed, "That's what you get you homophobe." Dean turned to Cas and kissed him deeper this time. This kiss was for his benefit. Before it had been for show, but this was to display his affection for Castiel. When they broke apart, they turned the corner and said their goodbyes at the door way.

Dean's classes were full of nerves. The essays were returned. Starwars boy didn't look all that surprised or upset with his failing letter grade. Moon- moon girl actually got a decent grade and she seemed okay with what she got. There were a few kids who were very upset with their grades, and that was fine. There were always the kids that felt they deserved better grades. At lunch time he went to the library and they told each other the silly little stories of things that had happened thus far today. Lunch ended way too soon, and it was back to the grind.

There were thirty minutes left of the school day when the fire alarm sounded. They followed procedure, they suspected it was just the cafeteria ladies that set off the alarm again. So they made their way out to the football field and stood in their designated spots. Dean went to find out what was happening. "Lunch ladies again?" Dean called to P.E. Phil. The man turned to face him and shook his head, "Library."

Dean took off running, the firefighters were just arriving on site. "The librarian is still inside" Dean heard someone say. He didn't even think. He rushed into the building and called out for Cas. He heard a cough and heard Cas call back. He found the man hiding behind the front desk. He was in tears, and Dean rushed to grab him and comfort him. "It's okay Cas. I got you." Dean assured him. Cas just clung to Dean, "Don't leave me." "I won't. Cas, I love-" Dean was cut off by the sound of a crack and then the falling of a beam.

**A/N: I know I know… I hate me too. Actually? Not really. I don't give a fuck if you are upset about this ending. I have more plans for this story. Read through the acknowledgments to see what I mean.**


	18. Acknowledgments

Acknowledgments:

Through all of this I have gotten many reviews and I am so very thankful to you all for your feedback. It was so great to have such support from you guys. There are a few people I would like to thank for their support:

Lopithecus: You sly dog! I'm just kidding, but really, thank you. Your constant encouragement was much needed. I would just like to say that you are amazing and you are the best!

dj475: Thank you! Your review gave me the last little push that I needed to write the final chapter. I am glad you enjoyed it! You are awesome.

nerd67: I am glad I could make you laugh, even if it wasn't really me that you found funny.

aramit: You are adorable.

coolbeena: Thank you for your help during my writer's block. I had no fucking idea what to do and you helped me figure it out. THANK YOU!

Then there is a special thanks to my really close friend Billy (billy7527), for helping me write that sex scene. We had planned on doing more… But I figured that you would get bored if I dragged this out.

On that note, if you liked it and want me to write a sequel then don't be afraid to pm me and tell me. (BUT KACIE! You killed them!... Did I? I think you need to go back and check) I don't think I will get any requests. But if I do, I won't disappoint.

And my final shout out goes to the INTERNET! And the various sources I referred to in order to write a more accurate story. My daddy may have been a Marine, but I knew jack shit about the proceedings. I would have just asked him, but we don't really talk anymore…. Oh well!

Then there is you. If you are reading this right now then I request the highest of fives! Thank you for putting up with my shit. You are such great people and it really made me happy to see that so many people would read my story. I hope you all had a good time. I love you all.

Until next time,

Kacie Lynn


	19. Announcement UPDATED

UPDATE:

The new story is called "Picking up the Pieces". You can find it by clicking on my user name thingy and it will take you to my page. It should have a list of my stories (Careful, you might get overwhelmed with the massive amounts of stories. The two that are there are just out of control -_- This is why I don't have friends). Go fourth and multiply... except that won't happen. Let's be real here, I mean... We are all sitting around on out computers reading fanfics about non-existent beings. That and due to these fictional deities, we have utterly unrealistic goals for a member of our preferred sex (goodness me, I almost said opposite sex. How very 1980's of me. Get with the times Kacie. AAAAAANNNNYYY WAYS! I am sure you are tired of hearing me go on and on, if you are even still reading this (if you are then bless your soul).

Keep Calm and Fangirl on.


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